a funny thing happened on the way to the future

Michael J. Fox has written a book called A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future. I haven't read it, but would like to. Just thinking about the struggles he faces every day gives me pause as I consider my own. But I don't like to compare myself to anyone, and that's partly what this post is about.

As I was thinking about what I wanted to write, and wanted to come up with a title for the post, I thought of this title. I didn't know at the time that it was the title of Fox's book. It works better for him, of course, because of his movies and role as a comedian. But I think it fits my situation too.

I've spent the last 15 years expecting to be and pretending to be a mom. In that role, I've had unspeakably joyful moments, good moments, and some spectacularly bad moments. I've learned a lot about myself, and changed over and over again what I think the role of mom should be vs. what it can be at any given moment. Now, at the age of might-as-well-be-40, and as I'm expecting what I assume will be my last child, I again find myself redifining my ideas about and definitions of the role of mother.

In all the years I've had kids, I've also had many a project. I've worked as a data entry operator, piano teacher, and preschool teacher. I've become obsessed with different projects at different times. Scrapbooks, photography, writing, reading, sewing, desigining, home-additioning. I've lamented the choices I've made in my past that limited my ability to become fabulous at any or all of the projects I'd like to pursue. But the one thing I've never taken on as a project is mothering. I've done the best I could (most of the time) with the time I had available. But it has always competed with my outside personal interests and projects. The result of this was that I have always felt like a failure at everything because I can't focus on just one thing. I've spent countless moments waiting for the future--for life to get easier when the current project or phase is complete. The problem is, there's always another project in the wings.

So, a funny thing happened on the way to the future. My future, that is. I no longer care whether I get to complete all my projects or become fabulous at any of my other life goals. What better goal or project could there be than to focus on my family? Have I been one of those women who "want it all" to the point that I've forgotten that I already have all I want? I've spent years comparing myself to others, wanting to be like them and do like them. And the thing is, I know I could be if I'd apply myself to any one thing long enough. But I don't care anymore. I just want to be Mom.

So, I've quit piano teaching and I've quit preschool teaching. When the newest member of our family arrives late this summer, I'll be able to spend all my time focused on the baby and the various needs of my other 4 children at home. I like how that sounds. I like how it feels. I'm not saying I'll never pursue any other outside interests or ignore my own needs. I'm saying that my current interest and need is to be the best mom I can be and the rest of it can wait or disappear.

At the moment, I no longer feel the need to write and publish the stories that are in my head. I no longer want to become a professional photographer. I'd like to live my life instead of feeling compelled to document it daily by way of photo or blog post. I want to be satisfied with being average at a lot of things, comparing myself to no one, and finding the joy in the journey. With God's grace, I've a bit of future left in this world. And I don't want to miss it.