About a year ago I started having thoughts that I wanted one more child. My youngest is 6 and has been told all her life that she’s the end and no, sorry, you can’t have a baby brother or sister because somebody has to be the last one and you’re it. She is the unifying factor in our blended family. My husband has 2 children from his first marriage, and I have 2 from mine. Noelle is our only one together, and the one who ties everyone together. She has grown up knowing she has two brothers and two sisters. However, as she got old enough to understand terms like marriage, death, divorce, step-brother and half-sister, she one day understood for the first time that she is only a “half-sister” to all her siblings. This was devastating to her. We adults understand the word merely in biological terms, but this six year old understood it in terms of half, all or nothing, complete or incomplete, fairness and self-worth. This realization, combined with my biological clock ticking toward my 40th birthday this year and the long-suppressed desire I have had for one more child, coalesced into an overwhelming and urgent need to say those dreaded words to one’s spouse: “we need to talk.”
Mel and I have had “the talk” a few times over the years. I thought we had it settled when I came to understand his reasons for wanting to be done having children, and I prayed about it and received the answer that whatever we decided would be acceptable. This wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for, but I decided to honor my husband’s wishes. Some of his reasons were valid: 5 kids already in a tiny house with no more room in house or car for another, having had between us 5 healthy births and not wanting to tempt fate with another pregnancy, his grief and loss issues over losing his first wife to cancer, my need to work just enough to make having another baby really hard, not to mention the pain and suffering he watched me go through with the last pregnancy.
Fast forward a few years, and our situation has changed. We’ve added on to the house, one of the kids is off to college, I don’t have to work as much as I used to and might actually be able to survive without working at all, and I STILL WANT A BABY is ringing around in my head. As my sister said, If you are of child bearing age, you have room in your house, you have the energy and health to take care of a baby, you can afford it and you want to, there’s no reason to not! So I told Mel how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and wanted a response.
He of course was surprised and a bit reluctant at first. He now thinks this was my aim in adding on to the house in the first place, which I emphatically and truthfully deny. But he came to realize that “I don’t want to” was the only reason he had left and it wasn’t good enough. Then, after talking it all over, he finally tells me that he had also recently had thoughts that maybe we should have one more. He just didn’t want to admit it. I know this paints him in a rather negative light, and I don’t mean to do that. He is a wonderful, amazing, calm, patient, hard working, loving husband and father who treats me like a queen and pretty much gives me whatever I want (case in point). He loves all of our children and knows that when this baby gets here he will be happy to have her and love her just as much as all the others.
Telling the kids was fun. One night at family prayer I told the kids that Dad and I had an announcement. They started rattling off guesses, so Mel told them we’d play 20 questions and let them figure it out. One of the questions they got right was that someone was coming to live with us. Then they asked if it was from Mom’s side of the family, to which I answered yes. So they started saying names of everyone on my side of the family that they could think of, and we kept saying no. Then Mel said “well, it’s MY side of the family too.” This completely stumped them all. How in the world can this person be from both sides of the family? Well, it stumped everyone except for Melissa. I looked at her. She looked at me. She looked at my belly. She looked away. She looked back. She said “nooooo.” I said “yes.” Then I laughed and told everyone Melissa had it figured out but she wouldn’t say anything because she wasn’t absolutely sure. When we said the words out loud, everyone looked stunned. No one saw this coming because we’d been telling everyone for 6 years that Noelle was the end. Noelle, however, who has really been wanting this, immediately starting jumping up and down for joy. I’m glad she will now have someone who isn’t “half” anything to her. And everyone else is excited too.
So here we are. Baby girl is on her way and should arrive by c-section in about six weeks. And this time, I actually feel good about having this baby be the last one for our family. In spite of my fears that the baby will die before birth or to SIDS shortly after (does every mom have these worries or is it just me and my paranoid mother?), I am willing to commit in mind and body that this is really the end. The pregnancy has been harder than any of my others, but I’ve been able to rest as much as I need to and I am grateful that I don’t have to chase around a toddler at the same time. Maybe because I’m older and my perspective has changed, or maybe because I’m just so grateful to be doing this one more time, I find myself more patient in my afflictions. I try not to complain. I love feeling the baby move and looking at tiny diapers and dresses. I have come to accept pain as my temporary companion, and to allow it to peacefully co-exist with me rather than fight it (thanks, Maren, for these helpful and comforting phrases). I recognize the sleepless nights, the pain, the fatigue, the emotional breakdowns and everything else as preparation for how I will feel after the baby gets here. And of course, as any mother knows, IT’S ALL WORTH IT. The joy that comes with a new baby overpowers every physical and emotional pain. It’s why we do it again and again.
Add to the joy that this baby will have two cousins joining her in our growing extended family by October. What an incredible blessings my sisters are to me, and our children are to each other.
Mel and I have had “the talk” a few times over the years. I thought we had it settled when I came to understand his reasons for wanting to be done having children, and I prayed about it and received the answer that whatever we decided would be acceptable. This wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for, but I decided to honor my husband’s wishes. Some of his reasons were valid: 5 kids already in a tiny house with no more room in house or car for another, having had between us 5 healthy births and not wanting to tempt fate with another pregnancy, his grief and loss issues over losing his first wife to cancer, my need to work just enough to make having another baby really hard, not to mention the pain and suffering he watched me go through with the last pregnancy.
Fast forward a few years, and our situation has changed. We’ve added on to the house, one of the kids is off to college, I don’t have to work as much as I used to and might actually be able to survive without working at all, and I STILL WANT A BABY is ringing around in my head. As my sister said, If you are of child bearing age, you have room in your house, you have the energy and health to take care of a baby, you can afford it and you want to, there’s no reason to not! So I told Mel how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and wanted a response.
He of course was surprised and a bit reluctant at first. He now thinks this was my aim in adding on to the house in the first place, which I emphatically and truthfully deny. But he came to realize that “I don’t want to” was the only reason he had left and it wasn’t good enough. Then, after talking it all over, he finally tells me that he had also recently had thoughts that maybe we should have one more. He just didn’t want to admit it. I know this paints him in a rather negative light, and I don’t mean to do that. He is a wonderful, amazing, calm, patient, hard working, loving husband and father who treats me like a queen and pretty much gives me whatever I want (case in point). He loves all of our children and knows that when this baby gets here he will be happy to have her and love her just as much as all the others.
Telling the kids was fun. One night at family prayer I told the kids that Dad and I had an announcement. They started rattling off guesses, so Mel told them we’d play 20 questions and let them figure it out. One of the questions they got right was that someone was coming to live with us. Then they asked if it was from Mom’s side of the family, to which I answered yes. So they started saying names of everyone on my side of the family that they could think of, and we kept saying no. Then Mel said “well, it’s MY side of the family too.” This completely stumped them all. How in the world can this person be from both sides of the family? Well, it stumped everyone except for Melissa. I looked at her. She looked at me. She looked at my belly. She looked away. She looked back. She said “nooooo.” I said “yes.” Then I laughed and told everyone Melissa had it figured out but she wouldn’t say anything because she wasn’t absolutely sure. When we said the words out loud, everyone looked stunned. No one saw this coming because we’d been telling everyone for 6 years that Noelle was the end. Noelle, however, who has really been wanting this, immediately starting jumping up and down for joy. I’m glad she will now have someone who isn’t “half” anything to her. And everyone else is excited too.
So here we are. Baby girl is on her way and should arrive by c-section in about six weeks. And this time, I actually feel good about having this baby be the last one for our family. In spite of my fears that the baby will die before birth or to SIDS shortly after (does every mom have these worries or is it just me and my paranoid mother?), I am willing to commit in mind and body that this is really the end. The pregnancy has been harder than any of my others, but I’ve been able to rest as much as I need to and I am grateful that I don’t have to chase around a toddler at the same time. Maybe because I’m older and my perspective has changed, or maybe because I’m just so grateful to be doing this one more time, I find myself more patient in my afflictions. I try not to complain. I love feeling the baby move and looking at tiny diapers and dresses. I have come to accept pain as my temporary companion, and to allow it to peacefully co-exist with me rather than fight it (thanks, Maren, for these helpful and comforting phrases). I recognize the sleepless nights, the pain, the fatigue, the emotional breakdowns and everything else as preparation for how I will feel after the baby gets here. And of course, as any mother knows, IT’S ALL WORTH IT. The joy that comes with a new baby overpowers every physical and emotional pain. It’s why we do it again and again.
Add to the joy that this baby will have two cousins joining her in our growing extended family by October. What an incredible blessings my sisters are to me, and our children are to each other.
3 comments:
Oh, my tears over knowing a bit more now what this means to you and your family. It had never occurred to me that Noelle would discover one day that all her siblings are 'half' to her. If I were her, I would want this too.
Just yesterday when you called I had this momentary experience of being comforted by your voice, because in all my own pain and difficulty, my hobbling around the house or going without sleep even though I am utterly exhausted, you know every moment of it in the now. Without having to say to each other "this is hard in so many ways, and worth it for so many reasons", I can know it just by hearing your voice or seeing you walk into the room.
I'm grateful for our timing.
I'm grateful we are sisters.
I'm grateful you have your 'one more' on the way.
Paranoid? Moi?
But to the issue of Noelle being "only a half" -- when she is older, she will know that biology is one dimension of family, but that choice is another. Jessica is Nita and Wayne's bio daughter, but she is Dad's and my chosen daughter. She is our daughter-in-love, not our daughter-in-law. As Maren put it, more daughter than law. She may not be our bio daughter, but we have chosen her as our daughter and love her just as though she were. Family is blood, but it is also choice and the tie is just as strong. Thanks to our loving Jess who came into our living room years ago with the expectation of giving and receiving love and who taught me and enlarged me and perhaps is more dear to me than she knows. Is there a bigger mortal/eternal blessing than family? If so, I'd surely like to know what it is.
Jess--back at ya.
Mom--I agree with the half thing. I explained it to her that way, too, but she's too young to get it and it was so sad! She would have been fine, but I'm still glad there's one more. I'm happy for me, and maybe even more happy for my children that there will be one more for them. My siblings are among the best blessings I have or could imagine.
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