Hard Decisions

We believe we are here, in part, to exercise our free agency. Sometimes I wish I didn't have it, because it would be nice to have someone make the hard decisions for me. Sometimes when I need to make a big decision I can pray about it and feel like I get a clear answer about what is right. Sometimes, though, the answer is that I get to make my own decision. I don't like that so much, because either I don't trust myself or it's just plain scary.

When I had to decide whether or not to have more children, the answer was that I got to decide for myself, and that whatever I decided would be acceptable to God. I wished He would just tell me what to do.

When I had to decide about whether to add on to my house or not (knowing that if I did I would have to continue to work to pay for it), I felt like my choice to add on was based on worthy desires for work and family reasons and not just the keeping-up-with-the-jones's kind of reasons. But I didn't get a "this is right" or "this is wrong" kind of answer. I just had to make a choice and "let the consequences follow." I was prepared that I would have to continue to work for a long time to pay for it.

And now I've made another hard decision--to quit teaching piano lessons. It has been a gut wrenching and rather sickening decision, especially as I've had to call the families I teach and tell them I'm quitting. I feel guilty about a lot of things. I worry about the financial, social and emotional ramifications of this decision. But as hard as it has been, it feels like the right decision for my family.

I've been teaching piano six days a week for two hours a day for the last 8 years. It's not a lot of time per day and it's pretty good money. The problem is that the couple of hours I work falls during the time that my kids are home from school. And I'm finding that the older my kids get, the more they need me. That was a big surprise. I thought it would go the other way. Older kids need errands run, help with school projects and play dates scheduled. And when Noelle says "Mama, will you do something with me?" I feel guilty that most of the time I have to say "not right now, I have to work." I've been worried for some time now that I work in order to provide for the future needs of my children, and in so doing I'm missing the now.

I'm getting kind of excited about learning to live more simply and frugally as part of this new adventure. I am learning about websites like pinchingyourpennies.com and looking at new ways of budgeting. I'm not doing very well yet, but I have hope that I can change and that the benefit will be that I'll be a better mother. And now instead of saying to my children after school: "Welcome home. Go downstairs. See you at dinner." I will now be able to say "Welcome home. Sit down and tell me about your day. What can I help you with for school? Come here and let me show you how to make dinner. Then maybe later we can play something together." And when Noelle says "Mama, will you do something with me?" I'll be able to smile and say "Of course. What would you like to do?"

I'm starting to feel some of the guilt fading away. The initial decision was hard, but I think the benefits will be great. Maybe free agency is a good thing after all.